Character Interview with Tom Grogan

Well, it seems the hot new thing for authors to do is character interviews. You know, where a “reporter” interviews your main character? Since all the cool kids are doing it, I figured I’d give it a shot.

(intro music)

ANCHORWOMAN CASSIE CLEAVAGE: “Hi, and welcome back to Cassie’s Crevice, the show where I spotlight my, err, talents, and bring you in-depth, hard hitting interviews with the hottest people in Springfield. Tonight we’re chatting with one Mr. Tom Grogan. Mr. Grogan may not be a familiar face to you, but you’ll certainly know his employer, the twenty-something mogul known simply as Annabelle. Now, Mr. Grogan, I understand you’re head of security for Belle Enterprises, is that correct?”

TOM GROGAN: “Hey, back off, buddy. What the hell are you doing?”

TECHNICIAN,: (quietly) “It’s a lapel mike, sir.”

TG: “Yeah, well hands to yourself there, Liberace. We ain’t dating. Oh, um, I’m sorry. What was the question?”

CC: “I understand you’re head of security for Belle Enterprises. That must be an exciting job.”

TG: “Sure, if you get off on paperwork.”

(Technician reaches in to adjust lapel mike again.)

TG: “Seriously, pal. Touch me again and you’ll draw back a bloody stump.”

CC: “I think Mr. Grogan’s mic is working just fine. Thanks, Al. So, as her head of security, you’d have inner knowledge of her daily routine. Tell us, what does Springfield’s biggest real estate investor have in store for our little town?”

TG: “You’d have to ask her.”

CC: “Tight-lipped, eh? I can appreciate that. Still, we’re all dying to know, are the rumors true that she recently relocated all the tenants of Belle Tower in order to have the whole building to herself?”

TG: “Well, as business grows, she’s needing to expand. I don’t pretend to understand business.”

CC: “You know, Tom, rumor has it that Miss Belle has some big expansions in the works. Care to comment?”

TG: “Not really.”

(slightly uncomfortable look from Cassie)

CC: “Yes, well. Tell us a little about yourself, Tom.”

TG: “I hate giving interviews.”

CC: “Well, how about a little bit of your background? What brought you to your current position with Miss Belle? Were you in the military?”

TG: “I put in my time.”

CC: “I see. And what did you do there?”

TG: “And we’re done here.”

(Grogan stands up and starts to leave.)

TG: (off-camera) “You, Captain Bad-Touches. Get over here and get this damned thing off me.”

CC: “Yes, well that’s all the time we have today with Tom Grogan. Let’s hope we can have Tom back again soon.”

(Camera turns to follow Grogan as interns scatter when he approaches.)

TG: (off-camera) “Not f*cking likely. Seriously, someone better get this damned thing off me now. What happened to the little freak who couldn’t stop touching it a few minutes ago? Hey you. Yeah, you. Come here, Twitchy. Take this damned thing off.”

(camera turns back to Cassie, looking uncomfortable.)

CC: (whispered) “Jesus, what an asshole.”

TECHNICIAN: (off camera) “You’re mic’s still hot.”

CC: (flustered) “Yes, well that’s all the time we have for today. Join us next week as we chat with the hottest new chef in Springfield about his fifth–yes, fifth–new restaurant in town. This is Cassie Cleavage, saying ‘Until next time.'”

(Exit music plays, sounds of Cassie arguing with a producer in the background.)

CC: “You gotta be f*cking kidding me. ¬†What do you mean, ‘get him back?’ The guy’s a d*ck. I’m not doing any more of these.”

PRODUCER: “Hey, we’ve got a contract. We book the guests. You just sit there, stick those things out, and read the damned questions.”

(fade to commercial)